I may have said in the past something to the extent of, “This is the most difficult post I have had to write.” Nothing compares to what I am currently trying to express. As I dreamed of so many times, I will never be able to use this blog as a chronicle to explain to Remy how she began, in a time her life that is fit. That opportunity was stolen from me.
Yesterday, Sunday, May 29th, 2011 at 8:30am, the soul of Remy Elena Zappulla born February 23rd, 2011, left this earth. She was in our arms, with no machines or IV’s running though her veins. She is the love of our lives, the greatest gift we have ever known. She left in peace and just before her heart stopped beating she grabbed our fingers and squeezed them very hard. Even in her weakest moment our Remy showed great strength and courage. She told us she loved us.
Waterfalls are rolling down my eyes as I write this. Our last day and a half has been excruciating and indescribable. There is an emptiness that Mary and I know wholeheartedly will never be filled during our time on this earth. Our resentment and anger, even towards God, for the loss of our precious sweetheart Remy cannot be put into words. Our sadness is often expressed in crying sounds that do not sound human. Sometimes we cry so hard that we do not make any sounds at all. Our feeling of loss is greater than any feeling we have ever felt. A part of us, along with Remy, has died as well. It’s not metaphorical, it’s real. We built her a beautiful room, have her a wardrobe, and a lot of gifts with monogramming. We have so many reminders of the life we wanted with her and it is painful, so very painful, to be without her. At night, in bed it is excruciating! Mary and I clench onto one another trying to provide any inkling of comfort we can give to one another.
After not leaving the hospital for 5 straight days, hoping for a miracle, but knowing this awful moment might come and did, today’s morning experience was as horrific and as real as it gets. Today…………….this morning, as we woke, we did not get up quickly, we did not rush to get our things to go to the hospital, and we were not filled with excitement to get there and kiss Remy’s face all day. It was the brutal empty feeling of loss. The worst kind of loss in its most extreme form. Going to the hospital everyday for the entire year would have been a joy compared to what we felt this morning.
We do not expect these feelings to ever disappear. There will be an empty space forever. We do not know what we are feeling at times because it is so new. Yet we treasure our 95 days with Remy more than any gift we have ever experienced in our lifetime. Our unconditional love for Remy will ALWAYS remain! Remy has brought us as husband and wife, closer than ever before. In the last 95 days, she has taught us more about our own lives than we have learned in our 30 and 38 years. She will live on forever and we will not forget her. She has affected so many people we know, and many others we have never met. She has taught, touched, and heightened the lives of not only Mary and I, but thousands of others. Remy is a legacy. We hope that anyone who reads this post, follows our story, or has connected with Remy, has gained something from her.
If you see Mary or me right now you may not have the same feeling. We are broken, and at times cannot express optimism and strength. This morning we woke up with feeling of wanting to be dead. With time, we know we will be strong again. Our Remy was SO STRONG! Her heart was physically and metaphorically the strongest heart anyone could ever have. We will never forget that. We will carry on her legacy and bring good from it. She is our hero, our superstar. Remy is our LOVE and she will always live on.
A service will be held in Remy’s honor later this week in Brooklyn. All are welcome. Details will be provided in my next post. If you’d like to be notified about the arrangements via email, please sign up as a member to Remy’s blog (in the upper right hand corner – it is very simple).
We remain grateful to everyone who has supported us with prayer, love, donations, words, and thoughts and so on. Your actions mean the world to us and we love all of you.
Please take some time to enjoy the beautiful pictures of our precious Remy below.